kostasdb

There was a man from the city of Kirkuk that i had to watch while he supervised over a project on base. When i say watch i mean carrying a loaded weapon, on fire, ready to unload its lethal horror of humanity upon humanity. Its a weird world you step in then, shaped so much by some tinkered piece of metal on your hip.

He was a good man though, something about his eyes and the way he talked that made him seem genuine. There was a story he told me, about a friend of his seeing some men place a bomb on a road, left in wait for American Military to roll by in their armored vehicles. He told the cops. Who in turned informed the military before their armored beasts rode by in ambush. His friends asked him why he did such a thing and he told them that for every 1 American who dies they kill 10 iraqis.

There was something about him though, you could tell he wasnt a Kurd by the way he talked about the clashing of faiths and cultures. He believed that it didnt matter what faith you had, that you needed to learn from everyone, their ideals and science and art and different ways of seeing the world. It gave a certain reassurance in humanity that we could live and be happy without steel and metal ripping through hearts and minds and futures and life.

I left him with a hand shake and a well wishing as i headed off to lunch.

And here, with my American brothers, i listen to half formed thoughts of leveling a country shaped in so much history and beauty, of simply nuking the place, as they so eloquently put it. Its youth and ignorance and posturing that brings such thoughts to light, i hope, i truly hope. But its then that i feel so alone, lost in world that seems more of a dream then waking reality. How can a man who has experienced so much of the violence of humans be so optimistic when others who are raised in relative peace and security developed such warped ideals?

Sometimes i feel so alien, so disconnected from everything.

I guess thats a lot of what motivates my movements and actions, trying to find connections; with life, with people, with anything that will fill deeply dark holes inside that throb inside of me. Even this, these words sprayed upon a blank canvass, is some feeble attempt at the hope that it or i could, even just for a brief moment, find a shared sparked between anyone that hopefully stumbles upon this page. I guess you could consider this my message stuffed in a glass bottle and tossed out into the sea.

Changes.

The seasons change. The winds, the air, the world around us slowly changes. People change, bit by bit.

Maybe i am growing cynical. That would suck. Life is too brief and beautiful to be a cynic. Maybe i have grown hesitate with reaching out past securities.. its like being burnt and "learning" never to touch a hot iron but sometimes thats exactly what you need in life, to feel a little burning, to brush past the surity.

Life. Changes.

I keep picturing i am in one of those slow rolling rain storms in the middle of summer. Everything is so quiet, except for the steady falling of rain that fills your ears and head with a constant buzz. I let the rain fall upon me, let the water drip down my head and eyelashes, let the world finally take me, claim me as one of its own. sometimes i feel so alien here, like i dont belong. not in these times, when i am connected, rooted, embraced....

Man i have been soo angry lately. I dont know what the hell is wrong with me.

I mean, even jealousy is becoming an issue.

I really do try to relax, and let the world flow.... But the littlest things bother me so much now. Maybe i dont have the vents like i used to. I cant slide in the ocean or push all world out when i bust my ass practicing martial arts.

Or maybe there is something boiling on the inside, just under the surface that i havent seen and wanted to see.

The jealousy comes from a scar thats still left over, that still hasnt healed yet. I know that because i still think about it on a daily basis. Its like some ghost that wont stop haunting my mind. It just came at a time when i was so vulnerable, when i havent had a half decent relationship in a while. Well scratch that, they had good times but they just ended in the same old manner. I hate cheating. I play a scene out in my head about what happened, even though i didnt witness it... the pain is dull, throbbing like an old wound, but its still there, still in the back of my head ready to burst out at the slightest disturbance.

Im a child still when it comes to this. I put so much into a relationship....and i dont know how to handle it when something bashes that trust like mallet to an egg.

Through this journy i have lost something along the way. Something vitally important to just my whole state of happiness... and i have no clue how i lost it or even what It is.

I am pushing everyone away and i dont even know how or why. Its not on purpose, but they are sliding away....

Maybe i lost my soul...

LOL i dont want to sound depressed... sure there is a certain amount of depression but that something that seems to stick in the background of it all.

Maybe if i start writing more huh?

Collect my thoughts upon these pages...

Kinda like a silent cry to the world...

Here is to taking a step back to hopefully push forward.

Ah man i hope so!

Cheat.

Cheatcheatcheatcheatcheatcheatcheatcheatcheatcheatcheatcheatcheatcheatcheatcheatcheatcheatcheat.....

Ah i hate that word so much. It just bounces inside my head until i cant even think straight on whats right and wrong...whats love or hate.

But of course i always find those who are dangerous....which in turns makes me more willing to...

Just cause it hurts...old wounds and new.

Just stupid circles that we keep spinning round and round in.

Its been 10 days away.

Away from Turkey and life and everything revolving my constant chaos. I am here in Germany doing a training exercise...correction, i was doing a training exercise where i was devoid of all contact from anyone and anything except those people in my class and those in the actual "camp".

When everything is quiet around you, its easy to pull inside and concentrate on everything within..

....
....
....
....
....

...still, i can only go so far. its that dream, that wishing that makes you the way you are.....


Ah tomorrow. Tomorrow i am back in that world once again, but its nice just to relax here away from everything, if only for a day more.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

It always starts off so simple.

Just a look, just playful flirting, a touch of the hand, or the small of her back, the excuses to be close to each other. Suddenly you find an angel laying next to you, watching the rise and fall of her chest while she sleeps, brushing a finger across her cheek… wondering just how lucky you’ve gotten to share something so special with this person next to you.

Songs suddenly have more meaning to you, start whispering upon your lips. Hell, you were whispering just such a song, looking up onto a winter’s night when you saw her wrapped around some other guy. Oh the games we play…

Its only been a week you say…a week and you don’t have any claim to her.

But she likes you, says that you DO have a claim to her, that she likes the way you move, the way you make her feel… she likes seeing the two of you together for a while, finding out where it leads…

She says this and everything is screaming inside of you to let go now, that this girl is so full of chaos that you will get sucked up into that storm. But she lays her head down on your leg and falls asleep and you believe in love, believe in dreams and hopes and people and….

And tomorrow comes.

She is at your door again, with that look in her eye. Her ex boyfriend is coming, she says. Coming for a month to be with her. He is going to ask you to marry him…you say, not ask… and if I am not in the picture, you would say Yes. But I am in the picture and you are so confused and scared that you don’t know what is going to happen. She nods her head yes. You hate when you do this, when you see the world spinning inside a person’s soul. You ask what is going to happen. She doesn’t know, but she wants to be with you tomorrow and through the weekend, to be With you and spend time with you and fall….fall…..

A little red wine helps the night pass. Helps making everything seem like something from a dream. But then, life is just only a dream. Its ok though, you deserve this. This is just karmic retribution coming to kick you in the ass. There is that throbbing, that familiar throbbing…you got it bad, you say to yourself… you got it bad.

Its night now.
She hasn’t come.
Pushing you away.
Probably with some other guy.
But this is your life.
Its what you deserve.
Love is so simple.
But WE are so complicated.
There is that throbbing again.
There is that cynical mirth filling your head.
There are those four walls, that door, and nothing inside but an empty room.

Happy early Thanksgiving everyone! I am heading out to Istanbul for the weekend and when i get back i will post a ton of pictures for ya'll. Have an awesome Thanksgiving!

So i am back! From where you ask? (ok, no one asked) Well... too much homework and too much time dealing with too much drama. Stupid drama. Wait... stupid people, why cant they ever just get it right? Love is such a precious thing, why toss it away like it was nothing? Ah well, someone out there will get it right one of these days and i hope i am there to meet them.

I will go through friends post and be a good LJ friend tomorrow, i promise! :P

I hope you all are doing good!

Guess whose going to Istanbul for Thanksgiving?! Four days of sightseeing, club-hopping bliss in one of the largest cities in the world. Ah man, i am not trying to gloat here....ok, maybe just a litte...i am just so stoked about getting to see this place.


( Two examples of why girls are very dangerous creatures )

Ok, so i made a friggin myspace thingie.

So someone needs to friend me! I feel all uncool with only Tom up there :P

And dont joke me about the background... it was the only thing i could find, i am still messing around with the stupid thing (i have no clue what i am doing, just stumbling along as i go)

here is a link: http://www.myspace.com/kostasdb

Guess what?!?! Im in the newspaper..... ok, so its only a Military newspaper and its only a quote of mine, but whatever, its still cool in a rather dorky way :P Anyway, if you read it(which you should!)it talks about my job in the Air Force (which some people say i talk about a lot...ah well) and if you want to get to the juicy part, my little part is right at the end. BTW this is a rough draft of the article, obviously there are a lot of mistakes.


( Readiness Article )

I watched the bubbles rise like an upside down snowstorm.

They rose, as my body slowly drifted deeper into the warmth of her arms. I just laid there, without moving, without breathing, letting the world above me sparkle like a thousand brilliant diamonds set ablazed by the sun. Or was it really life that was set a fire, burning so bright and yet just always inches away from my clutching fingers.

No. I am not here so i can just fade away... not like the tears that have finally found their way from my eyes yet to only be absorbed by this dark blue water.

I love you.

If you and I were to lay upon the sand and watch the stars twinkle their curious eyes above, i would remind you that all they could see so far above the earth were just grains of sand. And then i would turn my head to you and behold the most beautiful star of them all, here on earth, next to me with our fingers entwined, promising to chase away the darkness from this waking dream.

I never knew..

I never knew that i would not find that one thing i have always chased among the stars and moons, but rather right here...right next to me.

Let me give you something of a guy's point of view when it comes to relationships:

No matter how much someone tells you that they love you, or how incredible you are or whatever else, a guy still needs to find some kind of "first" or "best" within the girl's life (Now i say "a guy" in an overgeneralized manner....aka meaning Me). Oh so no one has ever given you flowers before me? You never really been romantic date until now? Im the best kisser? This was your first orgasm? You never felt this way before?

These questions that run through our head are the biggest signs of all the insecurities that lay within. We have to be the first, the best, the greatest at anything that lays between the heart, mind and body. I mean honestly, who wants to know that you felt some kind of love that was as great as or greater then what we share, who wants to know that there was this one guy who just rocked your world when you went to bed with him (this goes doubly for mentioning a size that is larger then our own) or that some guy took you around the world when the only adventurous place you have gone is to the local KFC buffet. For some reason, if we are not the best, the alpha male, holding that Undisputed championship belt of your heart, we cant fathom why you are with us or begin to question just how long you are going to stay until someone "bigger" and "stronger" comes around.

So, this is why we ask those little innocent questions about your past. And we know you lie. We know when we ask about a particular person, we do not want to know the Absolute truth but rather some pretty fairy tale about how mediocre or bad they were that brings us into the "hero" role. But Oh! Forbid if we Ever find out otherwise. Sure we might want you to stretch the truth, but when True truth instead of pretty truth smacks us full in the face, our prides get bruised, our confidence shaken, and we will say the "How could you"s or "Why didnt you tell me"s so we can hide behind those questions.

But there it is.

We all play roles in life. As a man growing up in a world that expects you to be strong, to protect, to be competitively the best, there becomes a quiet complex that we share with a girl that we love. We do not only give you our hearts, oh no, there is something far more special that we give, some part of us that is so fragile that just with a few words it could break into a million pieces. It is that part where we are still a boy playing upon the ocean's edge, with the soft crashing of waves and the cries of gulls circling over head, dreaming our color filled dreams.... because you become that place where i can finally lay my head and close my eyes and know, just know that i will be safe for a little while...

Ok, just letting you all know that i am still alive :) Actually i am at a USO in the Baltimore aiport waiting for my plane to go back to Turkey. I've been on (an amazing) vacation for the past few weeks but i will update all that when i get back "home".

The voice of prayer rings out across this base from the nearby minaret. A voice that rises high in a language i dont understand and from a religion i do not have faith in (in fact i dont believe in any religion, but thats a story for another day). Yet i hear it. It struggles to soar high to the heavens so that whatever God will hear the deepest fears of man. You cant help but listen as it shakes the very foundations of this dream that we live in and so boldly ask that question.... "Am I real?"

Turkey is a beautiful country but I cant help but feel that it has lost its greatness, its own sense of self. Once this place was the foundation of one of the greatest empires the world has seen and its people, its culture, its very soul were woven into such a unique and beautiful fabric ...yet now, it is just a shell of itself. It struggles because it tries so hard to be Western, to fit into this plaster perfect mold in which to be apart of Europe; but all its really doing is falling away from itself. Maybe its already imploding, with the bombings that are starting to come constantly upon its own people.

.........................................

A lot of people put up lists of dreams or things to do that in a span of a lifetime. I am too impatient to wait that long, so i am going to put up a list of 20 things i want to do in the next 2 years. Hopefully every 2 years i will renew the list, keeping on the things i didnt get to do and putting up new dreams.

Climb Mt. Fuji
Write a story that i am absolutely proud of
Spend a few days exploring Istanbul
Learn the language of each country that i live in (Turkish/Japanese)
Do something that actually helps/makes a difference to the children/orphans here in Adana
Become certified in Scuba Diving
Visit Egypt and cruise down the Nile
Get my BA or BS (Right now its looking like English-Major, Asian Studies-Minor...but that could change tomorrow :P)
Surf Chiba Beach, Japan
Finally get my deputy black belt in Shorin-Ryu
Go to a NFL game (miami dolphins of course)
Learn a musical instrument
Become lost in Tokyo for 24 hours (makes for a cool story :P)
Get something published (story, poem, whatever)
Find a Kenjutsu/Kendo teacher
Get my AS in Emergency Management
Explore the ruins of Troy
Camp out on a beach in the Outerbanks for a weekend (there better be a girl with me!)
Have a legitmate six pack just one time to just say i could (yes i am vain, shoot me)
-----> any suggestions?

So im not dead. Though this headache is killing me :P

Umm...
Err..

Instead of writing i guess we can play a game. Below is Mensa Puzzle that i took yesterday. I'll be honest, i got 24 right in 30 mins. So, if anyone plays, whoever gets the most right wins a prize (i have no clue what the prize will be, so it will be a surprise for both of us). No cheating!! Just post which ones you got and i will tell you which are right or wrong (i'll screen comments so no one steals other peoples answers).

Example-
0: 24 H in a D
Answer: 24 Hours in a Day

1: 26 L of the A
2: 7 D of the W
3: 7 W of the W
4: 12 S of the Z
5: 66 B of the B
6: 52 C in a P (WJs)
7: 13 S in the USF
8: 18 H on a G C
9: 39 B of the O T
10: 5 T on a F
11: 90 D in a R A
12: 3 B M (S H T R)
13: 32 is the T in D F at which W F
14: 15 P in a R T
15: 3 W on a T
16: 100 C in a R
17: 11 P in a F (S) T
18: 12 M in a Y
19: 13=UFS
20: 8 T on a O
21: 29 D in F in a L Y
22: 27 B in the N T
23: 365 D in a Y
24: 13 L in a B D
25: 52 W in a Y
26: 9 L of a C
27: 60 M in a H
28: 23 P of C in the H B
29: 64 S on a C B
30: 9 P in S A
31: 6 B to an O in C
32: 1000 Y in a M
33: 15 M on a D M C